Meet the Jiraiya
by writer-am-not
Summary: Inspired by Mercsenary's one-shot. Meet the Spy, with Naruto characters


All was quiet at the Base; complete silence, without a single sound. Not unusual, since all that was in the actual base was a gigantic statue bound in an uncountable number of seals. A small side room, really a viewing balcony, held the focus crystal for the statue. Tightly locked and often checked, this side room, aside from the entrance to the Base, has the highest security in the entire Base. All was quiet, until…

BBBRRRRIIIIIIINNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!

Konan's voice sprang from the speaker overhead, freaking all of the temporary occupants of the Base for a short while.

"INTRUDER ALERT!"

"INTRUDER ALERT!"

"AN INFILTRATOR IS IN THE BASE!!"

Uchiha Itachi calmly walked up to the communication stand, pulled the out receiver, and spoke into the input end of the device.

"An infiltrator is in the Base?"

"PROTECT THE FOCUS!!" blared the speaker.

Taking that as an affirmative answer, Itachi drops the receiver and jumps the distance between the barracks and the side room, moving at speeds only achievable by ANBU operatives.

Along the way, he mentally tallies the objectives to be completed; '_Ascertain threats, check the security of the focus room, protect the focus, eliminate the infiltrator_.'

"Hey! A little help here, yeah!" yelled Deidara who, in true Deidara fashion, was trying to bust his way into the most highly secured room in the Base with his explosive art.

Blasting, cursing, kicking, and even threatening did nothing to the seals that protect the focus room from all intrusions. Heaving a minute, unseen sigh Itachi pushed Deidara out of the way, though not without taking a tongue lashing from the art fanatic, and began to rapidly unseal the entrance to the room. After the seals were unlocked, the final defense, and electronic lock, needed a number sequence to deactivate. Itachi though about it, then punched in the four digit number code that Madara had set for the lock; "_One, one, one, and one. For such a powerful ninja, he does use the most simple of codes_" thought the mass murderer.

"Let's go, let's go! Come on you crap lock, open yeah!!!" yelled an impatient Deidara, who was itching to showcase his explosive artistic sense.

The two heard a thunderous roar behind them, as well as the sloshing of a liquid. Turning their heads, the two S-class missing nins' eyes turned into white pixels at the sight they beheld rushing to them from behind. Kisame, who was even more of a blunt-force-solves-all-problems practitioner than Deidara and a master of overkill, had used his massive chakra capabilities to summon a miniature tsunami into the narrow corridor. Surfing on a water shark on the forefront of the ninja created wave was shark-man himself, poised to skewer anything in his path onto Samehada, while the tsunami propelled the shark man, his sword, and his ride forward at terrific speeds.

Kisame, upon seeing that two of his co-workers were in the way of his charge, issued a warning: "INCOMING!!!!!"

However, Kisame issued his warning when he was about a meter-and-a-half away from the door; in other words, the shark man was about half-a-second away from slamming his sword, the shark, and the tsunami into his two compatriots, both of whom were rooted to their spots in sheer disbelief. The chakra-charged wave, plus the riding shark and shark-man, plus his chakra-draining shaving sword plowed into the two stock-still ninjas and blasted them and the door apart with tremendous force and a torrent of water, sending the three shinobi and the door into the focus room amid two panicked screams and one bloodthirsty roar. As the water levels in the room waned the three ninjas, one dry and sheepish, two wet and supremely pissed off, got to their feet and checked the focus crystal resting on a stand in the middle of the well-lit room.

"Hey, it's still here, yeah!" said Deidara, touching the glowing rock to confirm his statement.

Itachi activated his Sharingan and scanned the crystal, then nodded in agreement with Deidara, verifying that the focus crystal was really there and not an elaborate genjutsu.

"Well, alright then" stated Kisame as he hefted his sharkskin sword onto his shoulder and slid it into a more comfortable carrying position.

A pair of throats clearing made the three high-class criminals jump around and crouch into attacking positions, until they realized that it was another one of their compatriots in the doorway.

"Gentlemen…" rumbled the black half of Zetsu, the resident infiltrator, while carrying a cloak-covered body over his shoulder.

Shifting the dead body into a better position, Zetsu slowly walked into the room, raising an invisible eyebrow at the less-then-arid states of Itachi and Deidara.

"I see the focus is still safe" stated white side of the the plant-man.

"Yeah it is, yeah." replied Deidara, slightly disappointed that he had no audience to blow apart.

"Safe and sound." added Kisame.

Itachi just nodded in agreement.

"Tell me," said black Zetsu as he reached the crystal, "did anyone happen to kill" switching to white Zetsu "a foreign infiltrator on the way here?"

Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame looked at each other, and then shook their heads in a negative answer to the question.

"No?" confirmed white Zetsu, slinging the body he was carrying onto the stand next to the crystal, "then we still have a problem." growled black Zetsu

The bright lights revealed the body to be the supposed immortal Kazuku, very much dead, with a tri-pronged kunai piercing the back of his neck.

"And a kunai…" said Kisame, who couldn't think of anything else to say.

"Oooo, big problem, yeah," mocked Deidara in response, pulling the strange kunai out of the neck of Kazuku. "I've killed dozen of infiltrators, yeah; the ryo-a-hundred backstabbing cowards with no artistic sense, yeah" he boasted while twirling the tri-blade around his hand.

"Like you!" he said to Zetsu, unwisely taking his attention away from the spinning instrument of death in his hand. He yelped a moment later as the kunai nicked his forefinger and dropped the weapon in reflex, "No offense, yeah" he muttered, sucking on the cut.

Killing intent flowed through the room, but disappeared soon after as Zetsu reminded both of his halves that he cannot eat his co-workers, no matter how annoying there were. Picking up the kunai, he spun it in his hand, showing his mastery over this particular area of weaponry.

"If you managed to kill them," stated black Setsu, "then they were _not_ like me;" continued white Zetsu, handing the kunai back to Deidara, "and nothing, nothing like the man loose inside this building!" proclaimed both sides of the plant infiltrator as he turned away from the blonde explosive expert.

"What are you," sneered Deidara, "president of his fanclub, yeah?!?" Kisame snickered quietly in the background.

"…no" stated white Zetsu, turning back around and getting right up to Deidara's face with a manila envelope he pulled out of nowhere, "That would be you mother!!!" growled black Zetsu, slapping the folder onto the stand in way that send the contents of the file out into the light.

Inside the innocuous folder were pictures of a beautiful blonde woman, perfect in every way, in various sexually explicit and compromising positions with a white spiky hair, strongly-built man with many scars on his body; they were both also very much naked.

"Wha – What the?!?!" stuttered Deidara, each new photo he saw elicited a different noise of horrified disbelief out of the blonde bomber, "EH?!?!?" screeched the artist after seeing a particularly…exposing picture of his mother and the infiltrator.

"…indeed" rumbled black Zetsu, "and now he's here to fuck US!" continued white Zetsu, slapping Deidara upside the head and snapping the artistic bomber out of his funk, "So listen up blondie, or pornography starring your mother will the _second_ worst thing to happen to you today" said both sides of the plant, turning around to gaze out at the massive statue they were protecting.

As such, he missed the rude and threatening gesture Deidara raised at his back. As the plant man organize his thoughts, the blonde bomber hurriedly gathered up the exposing pictures of his sole living relative, trying hard not to blush at the provocative positions of the two people caught in the snapshot. Itachi picked up a stray photo, memorized the contents of the picture using his Sharingan, then showed it to Kisame, who blushed purple and gave a small gasp at the very arousing and erotic scene.

"Whoa…"

Hearing the gasp, Deidara spun around and lunged at the two partners, snatching the damning evidence out of their grasp with a loud and panicky "GIMME THAT, YEAH!!!"

At that moment, Zetsu turned around and began to explain what he knew about the infiltrator to his compatriots.

"This man has already breached out defenses," proclaimed white Zetsu.

_::Flashback::_

_A white haired-man, strongly built, ran stealthily toward the temporarily exposed entrance to the Base. A large, hunched humanoid shape sat watching the entrance, scanning left and right, ready to kill anything trying to get in. Dashing forward, the white-haired slapped a chakra nullification seal onto the hunchback, causing the now revealed puppet to break apart and forcing the operator inside to jump out or die along with his work. _

_The red-haired puppet operator opened his mouth to sound the alarm, but the infiltrator smashed a ball of compressed typhoon-force winds into the heart casket of the puppeteer, killing the genius puppet master almost instantly. The resulting force from the white-haired infiltrator's attack sent the wooden corpse flying through the entrance and crashing into a silver-haired kneeling Jashin worshipper. His rites interrupted, the annihilation lover could only get out half a curse before the infiltrator crushed his fanatical skull with another compressed typhoon ball._

_::End Flashback::_

Waving his hand at the corpse of the supposed immortal, black Zetsu continued, "You see what he has done to our compatriots."

_::Flashback::_

_In the high outpost, Kazuku the Immortal stared out into the forest, scanning for any hint to danger, when his senses, honed after decades of combat, screamed at him to look behind him. Springing back from his observation post, Kazuku only got a glimpse of the ninja behind him before he was booted forward and into a prepared trap seal. Unable to move, Kazuku immediately released all five of his masks and began to hurl high-powered jutsus of every element in the general direction of his ambusher; all of them missed. Skipping around the wildly-aimed elemental attacks, the infiltrator neatly and quickly destroyed each mask with a powered-up Rasengan, and then proceeded to stab Kazuku in the brainstem, shutting down the brain's communication with the rest of the boy. His objective accomplished, the infiltrator released the trap seal and allowed the body of the former immortal to fall down to the floor of the Base, idly wiping his hands on his red and green haori._

_::End Flashback::_

"And worst of all," continued both sides Zetsu, "he could be anyone of us!"

_::Flashback::_

_Kabuto, a sleeper cell to Sasori of the Red Sands, yelled out "Intruder!!" while slicing toward said intruder with his chakra scalpels active._

_But it was for naught; the white-haired agent caught the extended arm and locked it in place, dislocating Kabuto's shoulder and holding him still. A spike of chakra, some smoke and lights, and a perfectly replicated Kabuto stood in the infiltrator's place._

_Kabuto's eyes widened behind his spectacles; only one ninja in the world had mastered the Body Imitation Technique to such a level, "You…that's impossible!" breathed Kabuto, his voice leaving him from due to a combination of fear and disbelief._

_His copy just smirked, and killed the original with a chop to the throat that crushed the windpipe and severed the spinal column, jugular and carotid arteries in one swift blow, sending the glasses perched on the original's nose to fly up into the air from the force of the hit. Snagging the spectacles on the way down, the copy set the glasses on his face exactly like the original, and then calmly walked deeper into the base, perfectly disguised._

_::End Flashback::_

"He could be in this very room!!" exclaimed both black and white Zetsu, working themselves up into a frenzy, "He could be you! He could be me! He could even be – !!!"

Zetsu's head explodes in a shower of gore as Samehada passes through the space previously occupied by said anatomy. Deprived of directions from the now shattered brain, Zetsu's Venus flytrap body continued to pump greenish-red blood out of the destroyed hole that used to be the head, and then slumped down like a puppet with its strings cut suddenly.

Eyes widening, Deidara jumped back from the bloody scene, dropping the photos in complete surprise, "Whoa, whoa whoa!!! What was that for, yeah!!!" screeched a freaked out Deidara.

Just as surprised but far more controlled, Itachi silently asked the same question to his blue-skinned partner.

Blinking, Kisame swung his blade back onto his shoulder in a resting position, "What?!?!" he asked, exasperated, "It was obvious! He…" pointing at the still bleeding corpse of the half-man, half-plant, "was the infiltrator in disguise! Watch, he'll turn back any second now!" Crouching by the body, Kisame poked the cooling corpse with his sword, confidently waiting for the imitation technique to drop. Itachi joined him beside the body, Sharingan slowly spinning, watching for the slightest movement, chakra or otherwise.

"…any second now…" said Kisame, periodically poking the bloody mess with his sword, "See?!?! There!!" he exclaimed, pointing at what he believed to be the wisp of smoke that signified the release of a jutsu. Instead, he got a torrent of heated bodily fluids pouring out of the hole he accidentally poked into the corpse, smelling of rot, fecal material, and plant matter. Quickly jumping back, Kisame blanched light blue and shakily corrected himself, "…no, that's…I don't even want to know."

Behind the two missing nins, Deidara quickly scanned the doorway, making sure that there was no one else nearby besides the present company. Seeing no reinforcements, the 'Deidara' image wavered, and began to dissipate, leaving small wisps of smoke behind to reveal a tall, well-built man with white hair, wearing a red and green haori with a elaborate headband with the kanji representing "oil" etched into it. The usual clacking sound of his steel-plated geta sandals was absent, as the master infiltrator slowly walked to the backs of the two mass murderers. Still silent, the master infiltrator pulled out the tri-tipped kunai, spinning around with skills at odds with his last attempt with the blade. At the same time, his opposite hand began to gather chakra, swirling it around into a compressed sphere holding back hurricane force winds.

Itachi, who was jumped back along with Kisame when the bodily fluids expelled themselves, sighed silently and glanced at his partner, "So," he said, "we still have a problem."

"Big problem" agreed Kisame. Releasing a breath in resignation, Kisame swung his sharkskin blade over his shoulder into the makeshift sheath on his back, "Alright," sighed Kisame, "Who's ready to go find this spy in our Base?"

"Right behind you." stated Jiraiya of the Legendary Sannin. Startled, both S-class ninjas twitched their heads back to catch a glimpse of the one who surprised them. The last thing either of them saw was a kunai and a perfect Rasengan heading right toward them.

After sealing the focus crystal into a storage scroll, Jiraiya scanned the pictures he dropped onto the floor of the room. Sweeping aside the openly sexual pictures, he gently picked up a single photograph, depicting a laughing Jiraiya giving a piggyback ride to the beautiful blonde woman, who was also laughing. Their joy of the moment in that golden field was forever immortalized in a small five by six by five inch photography.

Face softening, Jiraiya inhaled deeply, still able to recall the heavenly scent of the goddess in the picture, "Ah, my beautiful mountain flower." he said softly, clearly remembering the carefree hours he had spent together with the blonde divinity. Straightening, he carefully tucked the photo into the breast of his haori and picked up the storage scroll holding the crystal; without a backward look, Jiraiya, the master spy and infiltrator, calmly walked out of the base.


End file.
